Adventures in Driving


Ben Elton was right. The reason fully automatic weapons are illegal is road rage.

"The light has gone green; but the guy in front is looking for a tape and hasn't noticed yet. He's looking down. Now, it's not much; it's only two seconds... but if you had an assault rifle just then..... HE'D BE DEAD!!!"

How true.

What makes me say this is true? Let me tell you a story......

...it's raining. The road is slicker than a politician's lies. I'm being careful; sticking to the speed limit and allowing plenty of room to brake. I'm coming up on a merge with bad vision, so I slow down until I can see what's coming. There's a car, so I stop - it's a little marginal but who cares, it's raining and I have no intention of pranging my parents' car. I'm feeling relaxed, listening to an ambient Prodigy track and basically just grooving.

Not for long.

As I'm sitting there watching the car passing by (for a whole 10 seconds), a white van screams past on the left... THROUGH A PARKING SPACE, doing 60km/h. The driver isn't even looking where he's going; no! he's leaning out the window screaming the exact thing I was thinking about him:

"YOU'RE A FUCKWIT!!!"

Fuck him, I figure he's lucky this time; the other driver reacted in time and avoided Urvan-Rambo. It shits me to hell, but I'd been in a good mood and was trying to get back into it.

I pull out onto the road, expecting it to be clear - especially of Gonad Man in the White Van. Uh uh - here's shitwit, doing 20km/h and straddling the white side-line... ie blocking me. What for, I can't really work out. This shits me. My first instinct was to ram him, but that was purely because I'd been watching Days of Thunder... but that's how I felt... So I lean on the horn; he gives me the finger. I give it to him back while mouthing "Fuck you" - ever noticed that everyone in the world can lip-read that one? :)

He waves his fist and points to the side of the road; then puts his indicator light on. The shithead honestly thought I was going to stop the car, get out and fight him. I would dearly have loved to get out, go to the boot and draw out a pump-action shotgun (pity I don't have one and can't by law anyway). See how cocky the shithead would be then. The sad thing is, if I'd shot that waste of space; I'D go to jail.

Fuckwits. Can't live with them, can't shoot them.


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© heretic 1999