the un-fucking-believable cost of living

in the past few weeks i've spent an obscene amount of money on the most mundane stuff you can imagine. $500+ to fix my washing machine. $770+ to fix my car. $300+ to register my car for another six months. this is on top of the usual rent, bills and loan repayments. nearly $1600, and it's not like it was fun. i can have a lot of fun with $1600. or at least, i could if i ever had that kind of money to spend on something i'd actually like to spend it on.

today was the $770+ on the car. i found myself sitting at the lights a little later watching the stream of cars flowing past. a hell of a lot of them cost substantially more than my own car. how the fuck do people manage it?

i mean seriously... my car wasn't that cheap. i lucked out and got a demonstrator; but it still cost a lot. even so, i see scores of cars every day that cost literally twice or three times as much as mine. the cars i'd love to trade up to cost about that much too, i've discovered.

are you lot all running guns and selling drugs?

to be fair, my car cost twice or three times as much as plenty of second-hand cars i see every day as well. but i have no idea how the hell i'll ever save a home loan deposit. i'd like to live in a really nice place; but it's so far beyond my financial capabilities that's as much of a dream as the lotto ticket on my fridge. it's sad that my million-to-one shot lottery ticket is the only thing that could buy the stuff i want; at least in the next couple of years.

i know that eventually, slowly, like dripping water wearing a rock away, i'll get to where i want to be. in the meantime i extract what fun i can get out of life without having much cash. take pleasure in being able to buy the odd CD or DVD; or go out with friends; or whatever. enjoy the weird and wonderful collection of music i've got, yes, including the illegal mp3s. fuck you RIAA, i buy as much as i can; and i've bought shitloads i never would have found without mp3s. but i digress.

i just can't help having days where all i can think is why the fuck does everything have to cost so damn much? i suspect that's how you can tell i'm a 20-something. it's not exactly angst. it's more like having your life running to the tune of "ahhhh for FUCKS sake".

when i was a student, i didn't have all the stuff i wanted; but that was ok because i was totally broke and that's just how it went. my teenage angst was just like everyone else's... it's cool, hormones and not knowing a bloody thing. but here i am smack bang in the middle of my twenties and staring at the rest of my life. wondering if it really is going to turn out as bleak and boring as i feel tonight.

yes, life has got me down. money can do that. it seems no matter how much i earn, the bills i face just grow to use it up and keep me scratching to stay afloat. right now i have no reserves and plenty of debt. as a concept; the debt doesn't particularly worry me, surprisingly enough. the repayments bite; but the amount i owe feels meaningless. i realise now why people sign up for 20 year home loans. it just doesn't make any difference after the first thousand dollars. you owe, you work, that's it.

life isn't glamorous. it's just expensive.


i really try not to be this way. i try not to be so consumed with angst or preoccupied with myself. it's surely not interesting to any of you, the imaginary readers (i see the counter tick over, i just don't believe it's for real ;)).

i know my life really isn't so bad; that generally speaking things are good. problems are relative; we all know that. i just get frustrated when things aren't perfect. i want to "be a legend at everything straight away". i want the perfect life; and frankly - at the same time - i know the perfect world only exists as a place to shoot tv advertisements.

this makes me pretty well unsuited to my stage of life. there are lots of things i want; lots of things i want to do. but they're not things which can be achieved overnight. in fact, there are some things i want that can only happen if i do win the lottery. sad, huh. but then, i suspect you're know you're turning into an adult when you realise that you're not going to be a rock star. when you realise you're pretty unlikely to ever be filthy, stinking rich.

i try not to be this way, really. i try to stay comfortable inside my own skin; to stay happy within my life. to take joy in being with my friends, to lose myself in music and find a lift in a funky beat. i try to have confidence in my own skills; while accepting that i'm crap at plenty of other things.

i try to get on with things; and not get too caught up in writing down bad stuff :)

as they say in the classics, "it's all good". well it's not, really, but it feels good to say it :)

what the hell, eh?

2003.11.20

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