swimmers, supermodels, scandal...

apparently i'm weird. deeply weird. the community at large seems to think i should care who Megan Gayle is; that i want to know which celebrity fucked which other celebrity while their celebrity partner was getting cellulite hoovered off; that i should care whether Ian Thorpe won or lost a race; that i should want to hear about an AFL scandal over and over again. but no, honestly i just don't care.

i find swimming pretty fucking boring. basically i can watch a couple of races every four years when the olympics roll around and that's quite enough for me. but sure as taxes, after any kind of olympics (summer OR winter) there's endless tv coverage of swimming events. as far as i can tell, swimmers have a neverending round of "pan-pacs", "nat champs" and other chummy names for events i've never seen or heard spelled out. but let's face it, there's not much to see. some vague black-bummed splashing shapes churn up a pool and eventually one pops up its head, looks at the scoreboard, spits a bit, then tries to wave without sinking. whoopi fuckin' doo.

on top of this, the advertising world is obsessed with putting swimmers and muesli bars on the screen in some bizarre expectation that it will make me buy more healthy snacks. don't even try! for fuck's sake, it doesn't matter how many Uncle Toby's products i scoff i'll never swim as fast as some guy who's been chasing the black line up and down the pool for years. for that matter, it doesn't matter what i do, i'll never be an olympic swimmer. i was born with the ability to put a web page together; to write more clearly than the next guy; to lay out a page without it looking like crap. but no, i don't have to swim to do this, so who cares?

it's been an endless stream of swimmers ever since Australia blitzed the pool at the Olympics one year and the media had fifteen kinds of fit. it's pathetic really; Australia is so shallow when it comes to its idols. pretty soon you couldn't go anywhere without seeing or hearing from Hayley Lewis; or having Kieren Perkins' generic beefcake looks shoved in your face. let's not spare a thought for some speed skater putting in the hard yards in Brisbane; no it's swimmers! let's not pay any attention to trap shooters, they'll never win anything! damnit, the public wants damp guys in tiny togs!

don't get me wrong, swimmers don't have the most fun life in the world. they get up early, swim on freezing cold mornings when i'm still under the doona, murder their eyes with chlorine....... but you know what, they chose the sport. nobody put a gun to their head and made them swim. i'm sure nobody's putting a gun to their head to accept the latest sponsorship deal either. granted, they're not as bad as tennis pros.

plenty of people out there work hard for their goals. why the hell does it have to be in a sporting arena for people to be interested? why the fuck do people think it's a great thing for some guy to belt a little yellow ball over a net for a living? why do people idolise these sports professionals? they're just people whose talent lies in sport. they're not doing anything that you and your friends aren't doing - it's just that you and your friends have talents in less glamorous areas.

if i go out and create a secure perl/cgi form in a personal best time; nobody will give a shit (well, my boss and the client might care if i don't get it done..). if i work hard, staying up late and bashing this keyboard into submission; nobody's going to admire my dedication to improving my abilities. i have friends who are more interesting than any celebrity you care to name; but they're not on magazine covers. i know a lot of attractive people, but apparently if they looked like Megan Gayle that would make them supermodels.

fuck that. i'm tired of the endless adoration piled upon dripping athletes. i'm tired of pinched, starved 15yo girls being displayed as sex symbols. i'm tired of the media barrage of the latest news on Tom and Nicole. for that matter i'm tired of hearing the media refer to celebrities as though any of us fucking well know them! when Nicole Kidman becomes part of my social circle, i'll call her "Nicole". until then, she's "Nicole Kidman" or alternatively "some celebrity who divorced her celebrity husband and milked it for all her career was worth".

i don't care what "Kylie" does, so long as i don't have to hear about it; or worse, hear her sing.

i think the supermodel thing is probably the worst. there's a media frenzy at the moment because Megan Gayle is in the country. she's not doing anything special - she's doing her fucking job. i don't care who she's fucking. i don't care where she is or what she's doing. my life was quite ok without knowing her name.

let's face it - supermodels don't even do anything. they just.... be a body. they're a face, an arse and a pair of tits which they either got by genetics or surgery. they starve themselves, they make themselves so thin they have no real curves any more. they develop a heroine habit because the junkie look is in. i once read a real quote from some fashion identity, claiming "a girl gets a sexy 'go to hell' look when she's on drugs". excuse me? i used a public toilet today which had those brain-melting blue lights installed to stop junkies shooting up in the cubicles. i don't find it fucking glamorous.

the fashion industry is so out of touch they don't even scream foul when a 13yo girl is paraded around in a revealing outfit. they don't think it's odd to classify the average Australian woman's dress size as a "plus size". they think it's fine to use models so thin they have no curves which would "interfere with the way the garment hangs". sorry - if i want to see clothes hang straight i'll get a fucking coathanger.

fashion, sport, celebrity... for some reason these things make a relatively small and incredibly dysfunctional group of people better than the rest of us. for some reason their lives are supposed to be more interesting than our own. we're meant to hang on their every word, to hunger for every little detail about their lives. to some extent it's hard to avoid; but if reality tv proves anything, it is that in reality we'll perve on anyone. it's not the person so much as being able to see into their lives.

so i'm left wishing that i could go through a day without being bombarded with "news" about celebrities. i wish i didn't have to hear about Layton Hewitt's comeback after his round of chicken pox. i wish i didn't have to see swimmers eating muesli bars or selecting a phone company.

at the end of the day.... who really gives a shit?