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The Illogical Leaps of Jurassic Park

Yet another movie that was hyped to hell when it was released and really isn't as great as people believed at the time, especially when you see it on the small screen and notice all the holes in the plot. Yup, you guessed it, everyone got sucked in again... Did someone say E.T.?

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Jurassic Park... there's a name we all know. In fact, it'd be hard NOT to know it... ahh yes, memories. When (if!) my grandchildren ask me about my childhood I'll probably talk about the strange form of hysteria that was dinomania. Yeesh. So finally I saw the movie on TV... boy am I glad I didn't pay for that one! No way would that have been $8 well spent.

"Blasphemy!" they cry, "This is Jurassic Park we're talking about here, right?"

Yup, and it was a total letdown. Well ok not total, there were some good moments; but let's face it, the movie was full of holes and moments where they casually skipped past all forms of logic. Jurassic Park at the end of the day is nothing more than an effects movie; ie the whole reason it was big was the effects were great. With any examination at all, it becomes clear that the screenplay was cobbled together quickly to make use of lots of effects.

There were so many things that make NO sense in JP that I've made a list. If you have any suggestions, email them to me and I'll add them if I like them.

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The Leaps

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Oh, the irony. I just discovered (after writing this list) that the company which released Jurassic Park was the same company that did E.T.

"Why doesn't that come as a big fucking surprise?" - Paul McDermott of D*A*A*S

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And now... drum roll, please...

The Coprolite Movie Awards

The Earth Leakage Award for Kid Most Deserving to Get Whacked With 10 000 Volts goes to... Tim.

The David Copperfield Award for Flying goes to... Tim, after winning the previous award.

Person Most Deserving to Die of a Horrible Disease Contractred From a Dinosaur goes to... The bimbo for sticking her arm in the Triceratops' mouth and a pile of its shit.

The Kleenex Award for Mucus Attraction : goes to... The girl, for copping a Brachiosaur's best shot.

The Swiss Army Knife Award for Most Versatile University Degree goes to... Paeleobotany.

The Jeff Fenech Award for Git Most Likely to Get the Shit Beaten Out of Him by His Grandkids goes to... the old guy in white.

The Community Service Award goes to... The T-Rex, for both eating a lawyer and making Tim shut up for a few seconds.

World's Worst Sub-contractors goes to... Anyone involved with building JP.

The 7-11 Hotdog Award for World's Longest Lasting Food ("Here's one that's not wet!" - Tony Martin) goes to... JP catering.

The X-Files Award for Unexplained Phenomena goes to... The plot twist in which everyone left the island.

World's most stupid brilliant scientists goes to... Any scientist involved with JP.

The UNIX Award for Least Convincing Graphic User Interface goes to... JP's computer system.

The Severed Limb Award goes to... The FX people, who undoubtably did the Star Wars trilogy as well.

The Quentin Tarantino Award for Gratuitous Violence goes to... The Goat getting it.

The Hitchcock Award for Implied Violence goes to... Neuman getting gremlined.

The "What Happened to the Other Three Cars?" Award for Most Thoroughly Beaten Up Vehicle goes to... Car #4.

The "Why Me" Award goes to... Tim, for having everything happen to him apart from actually getting hurt.

The Sorbothane Award for Impact Absorbsion goes to... The concrete floor at the end, for allowing people to fall several metres from the skeleton displays and land without breaking any of their own bones.

The "Let's Have Another Go With CONGO" Award for Relying on the FX to Cover Up the Shithouse Script goes to... Michael Crichton, for not learning from his mistakes.

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An additional text credit goes to
cosmo erotica of slightly lethargic productions
for his invaluable help in pulling shit into this movie.

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stimulus/response

Added 2002.04.27

It astonishes me, but this page has inspired a few people to email me to argue the toss. One thing i've discovered... apparently the computer system is a GUI-interface variant of UNIX... almost never used, invariably described as crappy, but it's real. So there you go!

To be honest I usually don't agree with the points people raise; but I'm really not bothered enough at this stage to argue them one by one. I do want to point out that this page rips shit through the movie, not the book; so don't try to use the book to defend the movie, or rely on points which the book explains in full but the movie didn't touch.

On top of that, don't forget Dinomania. This movie was hyped to all hell and back, but it was ultimately a pretty stupid movie. It had a few funny moments, but more often I was left wondering how suspended disbelief can get before it breaks. To make things worse the book was apparently great; I never got around to reading it, but I did read and enjoy Congo and that movie was so bad my friends warned me off wasting the time. So, keep it relevant - only the movie!

Above all - this was a satirical attack on a movie I didn't like. OK? OK. Not OK? Stiff shit :)

rebuttal

I periodically get email about this page. Most of them argue points about the book, hence they are discounted. Some, however stay on topic. I find most of the points people raise are a bit weak; but some are valid eg. the Unix GUI that turns out to be real; yes, most people know that Morphine is a painkiller. But... most people know nothing about Morphine dosage; the kind of hand-held radios they're using is not stated in the movie; etc.

At any rate, a repost follows. So far it's the only one worthy of a repost :)

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#!/hhof/pissfarting/jurassic

$heretic

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