the cure for pain : diamonds & rubies : -- alive -- : keyboard
dissonance this hollow head, this hall of thoughts emotions echo off these marbled walls i'm sitting, just breathing hearing tiny oxygen waterfalls in my head, in my head, in my head again strange little mood making me think again i feel like doing strange things but instead i'm passed out in my brain empty bottle, chamber of horrors warm feeling creeps through my thoughts i feel like sleep, just curling up crawling away from this mood that hurts i'm feeling the cold, feeling the bite again i've fallen into a self-imposed prison again i don't know why i get like this please ignore me, i may be gone some time a head of thoughts, a ship of fools so fucking deep i forget to crawl out silly little boy, playing philosopher being so pensive with this shit i spout being all serious, the world looks bad again i'm picking all the faults in society again it's just a passing phase a fleeting glimpse, a flash of the soul just a mood, just a little mood i'm having one of my strange ones tonight don't ask me, i don't know what caused it midnight movie, sleep and i'll be allright 30-5-97 lovely inebriation be my lovely inebriation the kiss that makes me drunk something to send me spinning gentle through that night something, what? don't ask me... just because it does things to me doesn't mean i know what they mean be my gorgeous addiction be the thing i need a warmth that stays with me the touch that makes things right explain, why? i don't know... i can't explain this thing it's like nothing else i've seen be my wondrous self destruction the thing that makes me change makes me recreate myself and come back to the light justified? should i care? i've had enough pain to enjoy this pain is where i've been 27/6/97 higher education a desperate search for philosophical inspiration has me flustered searching my notes for revelation, something to give me that spark in fact, anything that will give me a topic for my assignment. it's a lot to take in... 6 months, an entire set of ways to think existentialism, epistemology, metaphysics, rationalism, phenominalism lots of ism's and ology's and not a damn essay in any of them today for my mind is concerned with boats on the river and clouds in the sky new albums by depeche mode and machines of loving grace the fact my computer keeps hanging and has lost 9k of base memory face it, i'm bored. i want a party. i want to see people. i want to play quake and sony playstation. i want to go see movies and watch videos. what i don't want to do is this essay. 11-6-97 (postscript - another little file i found) University isn't what it's cracked up to be. Institution of higher learning? hmmmmmm... well, yes, most of us know exactly how many drinks it takes to get drunk. As for doing what we want to do... I don't think so, matey. Few uni students truly enjoy what they're doing - it's a means to an end. What they truly enjoy doing is what they're studying to become (hopefully). How many times during the time of your course have you seen the plaintive cry of a bored scholar scrawled, scratched or otherwise inscribed on a desk... "This sucks."? the world is a cold place warm thoughts of cold things flooding through time movements... through hallways, doors, time identity maybe at every second in time maybe time has no real meaning at all we cling to it just as we cling to sanity we need it, need the marks on a day we can't control as if by measuring time we somehow escape it somehow we seek to outrun something we can't explain silly really to believe we can beat a concept we don't measure the degree of sunrise or sunset we don't break it up into little parts to look at and we don't arrange ourselves around those parts moving through space we can see and time we cannot it's a warm feeling to be in control a deep warming feeling that spreads through our being and eventually we feel the cold fingers of time 19-3-97 the cure for pain the cure walks into my head like a perfect dream sliding across my life to rest on my heart every guitar pick perfectly placed, every drumbeat timed impeccably vocals swimming into another plane taking me with them riding the back of ideal lyrics to transcend mere reality i fly towards a thick mat of perfection, a warm world of wondrous music that i can only look to as a paragon of beauty a zenith of all the things i want to say and create it's all there, in the music, in the dance of sound waves waves that fill the ocean in my head with bliss and the water reflects the flash of firing neurons a dazzling fireworks display, sparks flinging across my world coming to rest on the surface of the silky sea glowing for a moment before being eaten by woven water i'm so happy i want to cry, to feel tears of enveloping joy salty water falling from my oceanic otherworld riding down the outside of my face to splash on my shirt but the tears don't come, and i sing along to the warmth and i know once again that maybe there's a point to life a point for mere humans to let their ego run wild we think we're so good because we create, and most of the time that's unjustified we waste so much energy creating violence and suffering that i wonder if beaty exists for the antagonist but here in my musical dream, my notated nervous system i feel the music flow in my body like the blood in my veins and i know i could no more live without music than blood. 26-04-97 diamonds & rubies high-beam headlights flooding forward diamond freedom tears open the night wrapping around trees and posts dancing crystals riding ahead leading the way for my steel cocoon an alloy projectile on bitumen turning cogs and driveshaft as it burns the miles in petrol and the music in the back seat drives me along with steady hand Prodigy, Snog and DJ Shadow drift along with my freedom bid pushing pedals catapault me forward until the tail lights brighten lighting the road behind me in a ruby glow of burning hell 25-09-97 ps. thanks to Jeff Koyen of Crank for the idea for this poem. i hadn't heard the idea of diamonds & rubies. -- alive -- smash me up with a bass drum roll me over on a sample treble tempo breathing hard don't let up don't slow down don't falter don't let it stop tonight an amplified dream to take me away spin some plastic make me drift... away... to a moon in the music reach a planet on a compact disc worlds in speakers reality tuned by graphic equaliser make the sound boards quiver felt speaker covers pulsing my head pounds my heard pounds (i must be alive) 28.8.97 keyboard drunk again in a silky night... people kicking signs and falling asleep on the floor. hungry at 3am and subway is closed life seems shithouse and perfect at the same time. no-one's in quake, everyone's asleep except me and my (un)reality still up and typing. nobody to kill, nobody to talk to after "chasing amy" i need someone to talk to. but i suppose i always need someone to talk to. it's just that sometimes a scotch bottle listens best... but i have great friends... they keep me going i suppose. keep me happier than i might have been. but there's nobody at quarter to five... just me and a blue screen. the keyboard always listens, the monitor hears me talk. it keeps me sane. 9/8/97
