THE SORDID TALE OF ERIC

A tale of fish, evolution and a man with absolutely no talent.

Eric was a conscientious objector. He wasn't exactly sure what it was that he was objecting to, but he objected to it. Mainly he objected to other people having a life while he sat around objecting, and as such he decided to get somewhere in life where he could object to more people than his pet goldfish (because goldfish are not very good at a: speech or b: the phrase "Oh yes Eric I agree" and the many forms thereof).

Seeing as Eric was a student at UQ, he ran for Semper (because he was one of those people who actively looked forward to each issue and read the whole thing instead of saving a few cents on Sorbent; and as such was the kind of person who runs for Semper). The amazing thing being that he managed to get enough people to go and vote, and while they were at it vote for him (instead of voting for the very people he told them NOT to vote for just to spite him) that he got in as one of the editors (I would just like to point out at this point that "Eric" should not be seen as a pseudonym for a real person, and I could have used almost any other name; "Eric" just seemed like a good name, although "Marcus" came a close second)(I would also like to point out that pulling shit into any real Eric on the basis of this sort of story is basically an admission that you don't like the real Eric, and were simply looking for an excuse to pull shit into them).

Eric got many warm and fuzzies which the goldfish had to suffer through (because it was not very good at a: speech - an evolutionary oversight which was really beginning to piss the piscean off - or b: the phrase "Yes Eric I know you're a Semper editor, now will you please shut the hell up about it?"), surviving only through the humanitarian (or maybe piscetarian?) actions of one of Eric's flatmates, who flushed it down the toilet to give the poor thing freedom from Eric's endless ravings (and even though it was a student's toilet, this was a step in the right direction for the fish).

Although this caused great admiration of the flatmate from the RSPCA and the emancipated fish (who was unfortunately unable to voice its gratitude due to an evolutionary oversight that was making the fish seriously malcontent by this time), it failed very greatly to please Eric, who became angry at the world for all its injustices (like having his fish flushed, and other people having a life when he didn't) and resolved to take his anger out on an unsuspecting Semper readership.

The months of Christmas break followed, allowing Eric to hone his hatred of all society into the fiercely psychotic driving force of his life (for he knew that it had to be a fiercely psychotic driving force in order to be sustained for a full 8 issues of Semper, instead being vented in a game of Doom or a good drinking session like relatively successfully socially-functioning individuals would have vented it). He taught himself to hate everyone for the loss of his fish (and for the fact that he had no life because he sat at home hating everyone and objecting to anyone having a life) and grew more and more to miss having the fish in his room to bitch to (unfortunatly Eric had no grasp of irony or he could at least have seen the funny side to this, but no, he was a conscientious objector without a cause who had finally found something he could use as a cause substitute).

Eric had to find some outlet for his anger and frustration, having lost his captive aquatic audience. He turned in his misanthropic introversion to poetry; but as he was a traditional soul who believed anything "alternative" to be evil, he stuck to tradition and wrote sonnets. However, after all his time spent in a room with a fish and subsequent isolation following deprivation of said fish, he didn't realise that what he wrote was total shit (please remember that "Eric" is a totally ficticious character) and just kept on shlocking away.

Finally (many sonnets and snide comments about people who had lives later) the day came when the first Semper was to be started. Evil Eric grabbed quickly at the poetry page, flipping through the many submissions from people other than himself and deeming them useless (except to fill out the page with something other than the poetry he wanted the world to be subjected to for having lives and flushing his fishy friend, how dare they). Armed with his own introverted and culturally isolated high opinion of his own work, he bombarded anyone flipping to the poetry page of Semper with his spectacularly turgid and flatulent writings.

On into the year he went, through the criticisms poured on his poetry from anyone who'd ever seen it (let alone read it) and attacks by people insisting the Semper staff resign (claiming that it was politically biased as a cover for the fact that they really couldn't stand any more of Eric's sonnets). Having begun his attack on the world, it occured to him that maybe getting another fish would be easier than making thousands of people want to beat him to death with a wad of his shitty poems (he was a quick lad, you see).

He began to look around for a suitable fish, but due to an evolutionary oversight none of the candidates could talk (which by now had become the basis of piscean scientific research, after the attempted suicide of Eric's fish who had developed such a complex over never telling Eric to shut up that it started hanging around in the Brisbane River instead of a nice clean septic tank - thereby damn near overdosing. It lived only through the actions of a quick-thinking kingfisher, who - deciding that although the fish was suicidal it was not, and therefore wouldn't eat something that had come out of the Brisbane River - grabbed him and dumped him in the Catch A Fish pool at the Ekka; once again proving that life really is a bitch for a life form who - due to an evolutionary oversight - can't offer up a better idea. Eric's fish spent a short time in the pool, a long time in a plastic bag that developed an alarming leak on the train ride home and finally escaped his 6-year-old captor by pretending to be dead and subsequently being flushed down the toilet. Especially given that this was at least a normal family toilet and not a student's toilet, the fish decided that the sewers of Brisbane were - again - a step in the right direction from being talked at by the kid in a commercial urging people to go and see other fish at Underwater World, a piece of advertising which rather ironically for the fish ended with him being told that he was lucky he lived with the kid. Eric's fish really wants a long chat with whoever was responsible for evolution).

Meanwhile, Eric's quest for a new fish continued. He scanned the papers for fish exhibitions and clubs, finding little except an advertisement for the "Seriously Fishy" Festival. Being a little introverted, he had no idea that this was a writers' festival; especially since no writer would associate with someone like Eric, in particular if they'd ever seen his sonnets. He was a little worried about the "seriously" part however, recognising through a remarkable flash of insight that nobody ever took him seriously and so he'd look a little out of place. To combat this, he decided to go along to the listed events suitably disguised - as an angry young man. Being angry, and with the help of black skivvies and mirrored sunglasses able to pass himself off as young, few noticed the mysterious figure.

Be careful, dear reader, the next angry young man you meet may be Eric. Whatever you do, don't get into a conversation with him about fish.

+ heretic + 7-11-96 + do not underestimate the power of the in-joke +