Miracle Mushrooms

    (Or, How Einstein Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb)


Consider this fact: Einstein is famous for the equation E=mc2, right?


Consider this fact: Einstein was dyslexic!

What on Earth was E=mc2 REALLY meant to be? Well, Dear Readers, the truth is a strange beast.

Outside the lab, Einstein was a very keen gardener; but he had a blind spot - his mushroom crops were, even he had to admit, pretty piss-poor. What's a mad scientist to do? He decided to put his scientific knowledge to work to solve the problem.

After weeks of testing and experimentation, he found the problem was bad soil. After more weeks of testing, experimentation and "interesting" fragrances... Einstein created the ultimate in mushroom fertilizer! To increase the successful use of compost in the growth process, he added just the right amounts of mulch and eggwhite to his mushroom medium. The resulting batch of fertilizer grew a massive crop of mushrooms overnight.

Einstein was absolutely elated! In his euphoric state, he hastily scribbled down the formula : c2=me! He then hurried off to announce the discovery.

His formula brought him instant fame and success... indeed, the world's leaders had a sudden fixation with mushrooms! He had previously had no idea they were so popular amongst the world powers, and he watched in awe as his theory was put to use, producing mushrooms several kilometres high in mere seconds!

But then came the darker times, when hundreds of people started to call him a murderous fiend... he didn't quite understand what he had done, hadn't he solved the world's hunger problems? Soon his phone number had to be changed to a silent connection, as the harrassed scientist tried to fix his clock, which seemed to be standing still for some reason.

Then came the final insult - a lawsuit against him brought by B.A.S.A. ... "Benevolent Aid for Split Atoms" ... who sued him for causing the victimisation of an entire society, the destruction of the peace-loving atomites... Well, there is a pressure group for every damn minority these days.

He was responsible, according to a BASA spokesperson, for splitting entire families of atoms apart. The prosecution produced photos of mutilated hydrogens as evidence, shocking all present at the trial... not least poor Albert! Hadn't he done that in private? Hadn't the trees around his pool been high enough when Fergie had come over for fanancial advice? Around this time, history records that Albert's clock momentarily lost weight before smashing into a wall...

The horror continued as the judge passed sentence on him for his "atrocities", ordering that he perform at least three megatons of Community Service...

... developing ChloroFluoroCarbons. It's a cruel world.

    © heretic 1996