Lighten up about the goth experience

...for smeg's sake!

Why do we take it so damn seriously? I mean, really...

NB: I didn't write any of this and I'm not taking credit for it either!

The A to Z of Goth - One Man's Interpretation

From: goth # spuddy.uucp (Mr Jealousy)

There has been some discussion of late about the meaning of Goth and what being a Goth is all about. Here for your education is the definative A to Z of Gothdom.

  1. A - is for ashen face
  2. B - is for black (any colour as long as its...)
  3. C - is for crimpers
  4. D - is for death - and related topics
  5. E - is for effeminate make-up
  6. F - is for fags (Marlboro)
  7. G - is for gloomy outlook on life
  8. H - is for hair-dye black, of course...
  9. I - is for "I saw (insert band name) in (insert first year of touring)
  10. J - is for jewellery - silver and rattly
  11. K - is for king - Eldritch for...
  12. L - is for leather jacket (biker style)
  13. M - is for melanin - lack of...
  14. N - is for "no, I don't like the Mission (although I do have four of their albums)"
  15. O - is for "Only teeny-goths like the Cure"
  16. P - is for pretentious
  17. Q - is for quack, the noise a duck makes
  18. R - is for ridiculously pointy boots
  19. S - is for skin-tight jeans
  20. T - is for "Their earlier stuff was better"
  21. U - is for unnatural preoccupation with image
  22. V - is for vampyres are sooooo cool
  23. W - is for "Well, of course I don't dress like this for the image"
  24. X - is for X-iting personality
  25. Y - is for younger than 17
  26. Z - is for zzzzzzzzzzz!

I'm guilty of 16 of these, but which 16?


"In a New York city park, after dark,
the time of clinical death is fixed."


gothic jokes

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(( |||  |  /'\\ =||= ||/\\ \\  _-_         _||   /'\\ ||/\  _-_   _-_, 
(( |||==| || ||  ||  || || || ||           _||  || || ||_< || \\ ||_.  
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  -____/  \\,/   \\, \\ |/ \\ \\,/       -__-,  \\,/  \\,\ \\,/  ,-_-  
			      Version 1.6

Compiled by Tony Blews from posts on alt.gothic.

What do you call a goth lying in the road?
A speed bump.

Two goths are walking down the road, one says "I just bought the new
Love Like Blood CD."
The other says "F_ck me, a talking goth!"

How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope!

Theres a goth walking down the road with a rat on his shoulder. An old
lady walks past, stops, stares at the two and says "Yeuk! What are you
doing with that revolting creature?"
"Squeak squeak squeak!" says the rat.

What do you store your heavy velvet cape in for the summer?
Goth balls.

Why is it so hard for goths to get work?
Because all they can do is mope the floors are depress the buttons.

What did the vampire say when he looked in the mirror?
"So nice not to see you again"

Wayne Hussey dies and goes to heaven.  At the pearly gates, he meets up
with Gabriel who gives him the grand tour of heaven. While touring he
sees many familiar faces including Jimi Hendrix, Ian Curtis, Mary
Shelly, and of course Nick Fiend kinda shows up once in a while... And
then he sees Andrew Eldritch Sitting on a HUUUGE throne.. Wayne Says to
Gabriel "I didn't know Andrew was dead!" Gabriel replies, "Oh, that's
God(tm) He only thinks he's Andrew."

What's another name for a gothgirl?
A Crow-ho.

What do goths buy at the liquor store when they don't have much cash?

"Waiter!  Waiter!  There's a dead squid in my soup!"
"It's not dead Sir, it's just dreaming."

What do you get when you cross Lee Iococca with a vampire?

How many casuals does it take to make a hamburger?
Who cares, just think of all the fun we could have putting them through
the mincer to find out!

How many "New Kids on the Block" does it take to paint a wall red?
Only one if you throw it hard enough.

How many fratboys does it take to wallpaper a room?
That depends on how thinly you slice them.

How many goths does it take to make cheesecake?
None, there are no goths in cheesecake.

Old goths don't die, they just need less makeup.

Two goths are having sex. (Strange, I know, but true.) Suddenly, the
girl goth comes.
  "Darling, darling!" says the boy goth, "what's wrong?"
  "Nothing," says the girl goth, "nothing at all. Why?"
  "You moved."

Why did the goth cross the road?
It didn't, it was dead.

What's black and sits in the corner?
A dead baby goth.

What's black and knocks on the window?
A goth in a microwave.

"He's *such* a *goth* ..."
"How *much* of a goth *is* he?"
"... that when he hangs around the house ... he *hangs* around the

"Say, who was that *goth* I saw you with last night?"
"*That* was no *goth*! I'm a *necrophiliac*!"

What happens if you don't pay the exorcist?
You get repossessed.
How does a perkygoff paint his ceiling black?
He dyes his hair and starts bouncing.


lightbulb jokes

And now, the seemingly unending list of lightbulb jokes:

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a lightbulb?

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, one to change it and two to talk about Lord Byron's Grand Tour
and creative uses of laudinum in a metaphysical environment.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, but one has to light the candle.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just embrace the darkness.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to replace the UV tube, and one to put Floodland on.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
*sneer*, we have candles.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the lights wouldn't be one anyway.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it for a purple bulb and one to plug the smoke
machine in.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, five to scream "Turn that bloody light

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Dunno, but I see them all practicing at Slimelight, while dancing to the
Sisters. The raise their arms in a stretching way towards the ceiling,
twisting their wrists and returning their arm to their midriff, while
walking backwards and swaying in the murky darkness.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to do it, the other to bitch about how Andrew Eldritch could
have done it better.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and another to curse the first for putting
a glare on the terminal screen while the second was reading alt.gothic.

How many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. (or more depending on your preference)  I don't know how they fit
in there, though!

How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they prefer their bulbs dead.

What do you get if you cross a goth and a toilet?
The cisterns of mercy.

Tony Blews, Software Technician, Staffordshire University.

the collective term for goths

From: mouse # (September)
Newsgroups: alt.gothic
Subject: Re: Gothwalk(TM)
Date: 28 Mar 1996 20:56:29 GMT

In article <4jeg1q$3gm #>, dhemerka # (spideygirl)

> and I have always called them a pretension of goths


One to four Goths, or some gothic friends/acquaintences sitting with one another.

A Haunt is limited from one to four, because that's the number that can sit in an apartment room or middle sized dorm without crowding, or the number that can creepycrawl an abandoned building without startling the ghosts or arousing outside security (if they're careful), or the number of goths who you can call your best friends and who haunt your heart forever.


Five to twelve Goths, or two tables drawn together at Denny's or similar 24/7 restraunts, after clubbing.

A Conclave is named after the assembly of cardinals which meet to select a new pope. There is always one very popular person in every major city who is the main Goth; conclaves do not decide who the new Holy Queen is, but they once tended to gossip, and gossip can kill a social position or create one. In Boston-Cambridge those royal goths seem to my kenning to be Percy and Cusraque, although I'm probably wrong as I keep to myself most of the time, because I'm poor, ugly, and naive. Also, I say the wrong things at the wrong time to the wrong people.


Thirteen Goths: a rarity discovered by those who are not otherwise distracted or who think to count.

Covens are what they sound to be: a happy chance. Pass the wafer, here's a good omen!


More than thirteen, more than you can count when your head is spinning from one too many Sampoerna Xtras and that last snakebite you had. Hope you're not on medication.

Nightclubs always have a dearth of Goths. A great number of Goths suggests at an inadequate supply of Goths.


Sexbat's Guide to Dueling to the Death on Hampstead Heath

One of the reasons that out of the 98 pupils who joined by secondary school in the first year only seventy odd remained at the end of the 'A' levels was not the number of fatal accidents - indeed neither of the shootings were fatal and the stabbing just put everyone off their lunch. No, it was the duels to the death. Our school had a tradition of doing things differently, there was no religion (apart from in the physics department), people arrested for drug related offences were suspended for 25 minutes, and most arguments were settled by the sword.

Although many people decided that getting up at four in the morning to wander around in the fog (or in the dark depending on the time of year) was a waste of time and didn't actually turn up to meet the challenge, I was always up with the dawn on account of having had far too much coffee the day before and not actually going to bed yet. Prefering instead to sleep during modern languages, biology, and physics - mainly physics.

Here, therefore, are a few of my observations about the art of killing someone in a gentlemanly way....

Mist is very important for having a duel. It just doesn't look right if your opponent can see you parking the ford fiesta in the pub car park and then trying to get your dueling swords out of the back seat.

You have to arrive out of the mist, long black coat (frock coat/cloak/ or raincoat) flapping even though there is no wind.

For preference your seconds should be very scary and make it very clear that if you loose they will be less than pleased. Let them carry hammers or chainsaws or tree trunks or something - intimidate the opposition; if they want to call it off you can go and have a pot of coffee and a danish at the Dome in Hampstead high street.

Do not indulge in idle chatter. Simply select your weapon, test its edge or sight along it (depending on choice of weapon), look at your opponent and simply say "ready.".

Do not attempt to phase them out, they will be expecting you to say something like "prepare to meet the prince of the underworld", or, even worse, "You sir are a bounder and a cad", or "I've got this note from my mother", or worst of all "if you bleed on my coat I'll send you a dry cleaning bill".

When the duel begins kill you opponent immediately and then leave. If the mist is doing what it is supposed to, it will close round you and you can then stumble back and throw up all over the ford fiesta in the pub car park.

  1. Never play poker with anyone over the age of forty who says "poker, what is that some sort of card game"
  2. "I am ze finest swordsman in all of France! No one can beat me! Except..."
    "Ze man in black. We met once, but that was years ago! He must be..."
    "Dead? I think not! You see *I* am"
    "Mon Dieu!"
    "Prepare to meet your maker monsieur"
  3. Always check to make sure your opponent is not a champion fencer, or in the olympic pistol shooting team.
  4. "Your only chance against me in a duel would be battleaxes in a *very* dark cellar"
  5. Inflatable Bananas are *not* an acceptable category of weapon unless you are Alien Sex Fiends road crew.


hell is....
where they invented the reversable kneecap
Newsgroups: alt.gothic
From: sexbat # (Count Von Sexbat)
Subject: Re: Who are you people?
Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 15:22:55 +0000


From: Orion Wilson <moria #>

hee hee!

" let's watch now as marlin perkins of Wild World of Animals creeps up slowly behind the goth.. Note the long spikey hair is combed to the front, which probably means this goth is in a foul mood today. Which is good for marlin, because the goth notices nothing as marlin raises the dart gun and POOM! the goth is hit! A hand across the forehead, oh melt melt little darkie! Marlon rushes over to the prone body, and signals Success! It's a male ! With the specially fitted radio transmitter tagged to its ear, (he won't notice the difference) this male will be tracked and studied in the months to come. The goth is unharmed, merely in the faux-death of sleep. We'll leave him now. Let's hope no punks come by before he wakes up ! hee hee . "

-- Spiritual Recklessness and other thrills.


If You're Gothic And You Know It

If you're Gothic and you know it, dress in black...
If you're Gothic and you know it, dress in black...
If you're Gothic and you know it,
        then your clothes will surely show it,
If you're Gothic and you know it, dress in black!

If you're Gothic and you know it, be depressed...
If you're Gothic and you know it, be depressed...
If you're Gothic and you know it,
        then your angst will surely show it,
If you're Gothic and you know it, be depressed!

If you're Gothic and you know it, slash your wrists...
If you're Gothic and you know it, slash your wrists...
If you're Gothic and you know it,
        then your scars will surely show it,
If you're Gothic and you know it, slash your wrists!

If you're Gothic and you know it, kill your friends...
If you're Gothic and you know it, kill your friends...
If you're Gothic and you know it,
        then the body count will show it,
If you're Gothic and you know it, kill your friends!


Answers to that stupid question... "Why do you wear black?"

from alt.gothic:


  1. Easier to blend into shadows when cops bust your party.
  2. Blue polyester dominatrix outfit was just too scratchy.
  3. All of your "Hello, Kitty" shirts are in the wash.
  4. Because you want to show off how unique and different you are from all of the vanillas.
  5. Black makes you look so much slimmer.
  6. Dried blood is harder to spot.
  7. ou are a slave... to fashion!
  8. Your hankies show off better against the black.
  9. All of your red clothes faded in the wash.
  10. Wool plaid catsuit just doesn't cut it!

goth points

You don't exactly buy anything with Goth points. They're more a
measure of status. But since Goth status is such a fickle and rapidly
changing thing, you have to maintain it by continually earning Goth
points at Gothic events. The following list was complied by myself and a
few friends about how to earn Goth points:

The purpose of any gothic event is to earn Goth points. 

Event #1: Arrival:

1 pt: 	Knowing someone at the club and greeting them by name
2 pts:	Someone knowing you and greating you by name
3 pts: 	Greeting someone by name and hugging them.
4 pts:   Being greeted and hugged.

4pts:	kissing as a greeting
5pts:	being kissed as a greeting.

7pts:	doorman knows you by name.
10pts:	doorman hugs, kisses you.

10pts:	getting in free
20pts:	getting someone else in free

30pts:	Already being inside the club when it opens.

Event #2 Posturing

10 pts: Being cool enough to hang out, talk to bar tender.
15pts:  being cool enough to hang out with and talk to doorman  
20 pts: being cool enough to hang out/talk with DJ

5pts  :  Getting a request played (may vary depending on difficulty)
10pts :  NOT getting a request played because dj doesn't have it (may
         vary depending on what it was you asked for. spice girls
         negates any gothpoints scored all night).

1 pt:	recognizing common song.
2pts:	recognize common song and bashing it.
2pts:	recognizing rare song.
3pts:	bashing rare song.

1 pt:	being stoned
2pts:   being stoned on X, Crystal, Acid or Shrooms
3pts:	being stoned on something weird.

5pts:	faking being entranced by the play of strobe light and shadow.
7pts:	actually being entranced by the same.

1-10pts for level of angst and depression conveyed by appearnce and 

1pt: Per conversational partner per evening.
2pts/member: Being at the center of a conversational group.
3pts :  Someone waited to talk to you.
10pts:	There was a line of people waiting to talk to you.

1-5pts for level of angst conveyed by conversation.

2pts:	Saying someone else isn't "really a goth".

1-20 pts: Prominant display of new piercing/branding/tattooing/cutting on 

2-40pts: Being responsible for the above on another.	


1 pt: 	Not dancing because you are too depressed.
2pts:	Not dancing much because you are too depressed
4pts:	Only dancing to songs that no one has ever heard of.
10pts:	Dancing all alone on the dance floor and pulling it off

Dress and Makeup:

1 pt:	Dyed black hair
1pt:	wearing a goth belt.
2pts:   wearing some item made of velvet.
2pts:	wearing some item made of latex.
2pts:	wearing fishnet.
1pt:	Partial makeup for men.
3 pts:	Full makeup.
5pts:	Extreme palor of makeup, must be at least 1/2 inch thick.

5pts: 	Being on  a leash as a submissive, or holding a leash as a
10pts: 	Actually knowing how a submissive on a leash is suppose to
10pts: 	Exceptional cruelty as a dominant.
10pts:  getting whipped.

General: 1-40 pts based on the general coolness and conformity of your 


3pts:	Cutting yourself at the club
5pts:	cutting yourself on the dance floor

10pts:	getting laid at the club.
15pts:	getting laid with same sex at the club.
20pts:	getting laid on the dance floor
30pts:	getting laid with same sex on dance floor.

50pts:	getting laid by more then two different parteners in the same 
        night. +10 if one on dance floor, +50 if both on dance floor.

5 pts:	claiming to be bisexual.
10pts:	actually being bisexual.
15pts:	proving bisexuality with a reliable witness.

5pts:     claiming to be into B&D, S&M.
10 pts:   actually knowing anything about the above.
15pts:    actually engaging in the above.
20pts:    getting paid to engage in the above.

10pts:	Being on medication
20pts:	visiting a therapist on a regular basis.

Yahtzees: (occasionaly goths will "go for broke" as it were by ignoring
          the regular rules and attempting to earn points via non
          standard behavior. I call these attempts "Yahtzees" since,
          when they work, they often result in a large "Goth Point"

100pts:	Being so depressed you don't talk to anyone all night and a
        significant number of people noticing this behavior.

50pts:	Claiming to be celebate.
100pts:	Actually being celebate.

50pts:	Suicide attempt in the last week.
100pts:	Suicide attempt resulting in Hospitilization in last week.
200pts:	Suicide attempt at club. 

300pts:	Suicide attempt on dance floor.

Negative Effects:

-1 pt:	Smiling.
-2pts:	liking something or someone.
-3pts:  appearing to enjoy yourself.

-10pts: being seen out of costume.
-10pts:	having a straight job.
-30pts:	having a straight job which requires you to be out of costume.
-10:	having a non-Goth S.O.
-20:	having a non-Goth, straight S.O.
-30:	having a non-Goth straight S.O. with a good job.

-10pts:	Suceeding in any aspect of your life or carreer.

-100pts:  Being happy

This is only a partial list, there ar many others. Highest observed score to date was earned by the world renowned Shadowcat, at Soil, San Diego, who scored a whopping 1,145 points in the course of a single night, and was even alive afterwards.


I'm so goth...

I'm so goth, in preschool, the only crayon I used was black.

I'm so goth my black is blacker than your black. I call it "black black."

I'm so goth, I don't say "black," I say "blahhwwwkkk."

I'm so goth, whenever I walk into a room, all the lights go out.

goth #1: I'm so goth the people in the grocery store have refused to sell me any cereal other than Count Chocula.
goth #2: I'm so goth people ask me to AUTOGRAPH boxes of Count Chocula.

I'm so goth I wear sunglasses when I open the refrigerator.

I'm so goth I don't paint my nails black--I bash them with a hammer.

I'm so goth I died and didn't notice.

I'm so goth, whenever I knock on somebody's door they give me candy.

I'm so goth, I'm not only "goth," but also "gothe" "goff" "gawth" "gauwth" "gothic" "gothik" "gothique" and "gawfickk" and soon I hope to be "gauewthickueu."

I'm so goth, when I stop pouting, people ask, "What are YOU so happy about?"

I'm so goth, when I go outside, the sun sets.

goth #1: I'm so goth the smile muscles in my face have atrophied.
goth #2: I'm so goth the smile muscles in my face never GREW.
goth #3: What's a smile?

I'm so goth I say things like "eternally yours in darkness" and "love and darkness" and "may the eternal darkness of the abyss enrapture and enshroud you in its infernal sickly sweet embrace."

I'm so goth I don't use fabric softener, because I like pain.

I'm so goth I set off airport metal detectors from ten feet away with all my jewelry.

I'm so goth I'm the only REAL goth.

I'm so goth it takes me an hour and a half to get dressed.

I'm so goth it takes me longer to get UNdressed.

I'm so goth I think electrical tape is a fashion accessory.

I'm so goth, in preschool, all my drawings were titled, "DEATH."

I'm so goth, in high school, all my papers were titled, "DEATH."

I'm so goth I slather on spf 45 before I open the refrigerator.

goth #1: I'm so goth I wonder if my dog's collar would look better on me.
goth #2: I'm so goth I KNOW my dog's collar looks better on me.
goth #3: I'm so goth I stole my dog's collar.

I'm so goth I ate a Happy Meal . . . because I like to live dangerous.

I'm so goth little kids are mesmerized by my appearance.

I'm so goth I don't take my medications, so I can be more goth.

I'm so goth, when I was born the doctor slapped me and I didn't cry.

I'm so goth I make flowers wilt.

I'm so goth I like them better that way.

I'm so goth I punched a care bear.

I'm so goth, when I smile people ask me what's wrong.

I'm so goth little old ladies in walkers cross the street to insult me.

I'm so goth I keep getting hit on by necrophiliacs!

I'm so goth I rooted for Gargamel.

I'm so goth I practice my blank stare in the mirror.

I'm so goth I have carpal tunnel syndrome from constantly putting the back of my hand to my forehead.

I'm so goth that whenever I walk into a room, you hear "Toccata and Fugue in D minor."

I'm so goth I listen to The Sisters of Mercy and Bauhaus simultaneously at midnight in a graveyard sitting in a pentagram surrounded by candles . . . and oh, there's a full moon . . . and then I die. And then I come back to life. And then I die again . . . tragically.

I'm so goth I have actually seriously uttered the phrase, "the darkest dark of the dark darkness."

I'm so goth I tried to use Cheer . . . it cried.

goth #1: I'm so goth, when I'm sleeping people come and check my pulse.
goth #2: I'm so goth I don't have a pulse.

I'm so goth I know what pvc stands for.

I'm so goth the people at the suicide hotline have asked me to stop calling.

I'm so goth I'm catholic.

I'm so goth nuns and priests resent me because I look cooler in black than them.

I'm so goth tan lines are a sin.

I'm so goth the dark is scared of ME.

I'm so goth I know how to spell Siouxsie & The Banshees correctly.

I'm so goth I . . . wear . . . my . . . sunnnnnglasses at night (sung with a Corey Hart pout).

I'm so goth I became a fisherman, just so I could use fishnets.

I'm so goth I sleep UNDER my bed.

I'm so goth, Robert Smith asked ME for my autograph.

I'm so goth I got a 12-pack of absinthe.

I'm so goth I don't eat gummy bears, I eat "glummy bears."

I'm so goth I spend every waking moment, every breath, in contemplation of Goth. The totality of my being is at one with the essence of Goth.

I'm so goth I dot my i's with frowny faces.

I'm so goth I call a smile a "concave frown."

I'm so goth that when I was a toddler, I didn't cry over spilled milk, I MOURNED it.

I'm so goth my skin would catch on fire if it were ever exposed to sunlight.

I'm so goth I make Happy Meals cry.

I'm so goth I spend hours deciding what shade of black to wear.

I'm so goth I shower with bleach instead of soap.

I'm so goth I have a fishnet umbrella.

I'm so goth I always complain because my blacks don't match.

I'm so goth that bats hang little plastic me's from their ceiling.

I'm so goth that if I go out in the sunlight with bare skin showing, people have to put on shades because of the reflection off my pale skin.

I'm so goth I have to wear sunglasses and sunscreen to look on the bright side.

I'm so goth that lightning strikes whenever I count things. MUH-HA-HA-HA!

I'm so goth that in kindergarten I sang "woe, woe, woe your boat..."

I'm so goth I have crushed velvet lawn chairs.

goth #1: I'm so goth I changed my name to Mystryss Darque Wintyr Nyght Rayn Ravyn.
goth #2: I'm so goth I don't have a name. I'm just "goth."

I'm so goth all I do is sit around and talk about how goth I am.

I'm so goth I always use the word "goth" instead of "got."

I'm so goth every sentence I say has the word "goth" in it.

I'm so goth I'm the only person who understands what goth REALLY is, and I'm not telling you!