Heretic's Quick Guide to Cow Corruption

 

 


How you actually corrupt your cow is up to you... but there are a few
pointers that those new to the art of bovine corruption may find
useful...

First, select your bovine target. Remember that cows look different when
spotted from various distances and profiles, so your target may look
something like any of these:


         (__)
         (oo)                       U
  /-------\/                    /---V
 / |     ||                    * |--|                       .
*  ||----||
   ~~    ~~
Cow at 1 metre.         Cow at 100 metres.        Cow at 10,000 metres.

   Side        Front      Side      Back
   (__)        (__)       (__)      (__)
   ( oo        (oo)       oo )      (  )
   /\_|        /\/\       |_/\      /  \

Also, you may need to travel a fair distance to find your victim, so
here are some examples of cows out of their more usual habitat:


        *                                                 (__)
         \                                                (DD)
          \                                        /-------\/ _
          |\                                      / |     ||_|_|
        \ | \ (__)                               *  ||----|
        \\|| \(oo)                                  ~~    ~
         \||\ \\/                         Cow chugging beer and staring at
          ~~ \||                          the usual hi-jinks associated
           \\ ||                          with parties held by cows of
            \\||                          questionable moral fibre.
             \||                          (Caution: this cow may already
              ~~                          be corrupted and is therefore
               \\_                        a waste of time as your
                \_                        Corrupt-A-Cow victim).
 Cow skiing a Black Diamond at
 Perisher (Extreme cow, eh?)

         (__)             (__)             (__)             (__)
         (oo)             (oo)             (oo)             (oo)
  /-------\/-*     /-------\/       /-------\/   %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
 / |     || \     )*)(\/* /  *     / |     ||
*  ||----||  *   \ |||/)|/()(    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%
\/|(/)(/\/(,,/   \)|(/\/|)(/\
  Cow in long     Cow in very     Cow in water       Cow in trouble
     grass        long grass.


It is important to corrupt your cow properly. A half-baked effort may
leave your cow not corrupted but merely screwed-up:


                           (Tell me about your mother.)
                          /    "She was a bloody heifer!"
                (__)    /    (Did you like her milk?)
               ([][])             "Yeah, but she bottle fed me!"
               __\/_--U       (Ahh. Now we find the maternal  (__)
              /\    \__            conflict!)           ~     ("")
             /\\\  /  /                         //\  ____\_____\/ //
            /----~/__/\ /\                     // \\/     \___ / //
                \\\____/--\--                 // /-/__________/ //
                 /======   \/            =======/==============//
              *_/ /    \   /~              //  /              \\
                 /      \ ~               //                   \\

               Sigmund Cowd


And as always, beware of the various breeds of Vampcows, a couple of
examples being:

                  (__)
                  (oo)
                 /'~~~-m                    (~~)
                /'' ` )                     (oo)
               |     /|              /-------vv
               | |  | |             / |     ||
               |____|_|               ||----||
               //|| ||                ww    ww
              *  ww ww
                                      Bela Lucowsi
            Vlad Cowpes             (whew, check the
                                      eyebrows! ;))


Some accepted versions of the corrupted bovine:

           (__)
           (\/)    Corruption shows itself in          (__)
    /-------\/    many forms... But they are           (++)
  / | 666 ||       usually such things as       /-------\/
 *  ||----||      cows worshipping the dark    / |     ||
    ~~    ~~     lord, sacrificing goats      *  ||----||
  Satanic cow    or indulging in copious         ww    ww
                   mind-altering or depraved    Drunk Cow
                     sexual acts. Watch your
           (___)       intended corruptee for
           (o o)         any such signs of              (__)
     /------\ /   (__)    corruption and                (&&)
    /    ____O    (oo)   debauched hedonistic    /-------\/
   |   / /----\----\/   pleasure. Be careful    / |     ||
   /\oo===|  /    ||  however, if your victim  *  ||----||
  | ||   *||~-----||  starts writing gangsta      ww    ww
  *  ~~   ~~      ~~    rap then you've gone    Trippin' Cow
    Cowtus interuptus    too far. Whoo-har.


                               O O                 O O
                                \ \               / /
                                 \ \          (__) /
                  (__)  . o O     \ \         (xx)/
                  (DD)             \ +--------+\//
           /-------\/               \|        | /
          / |     ||                 +--------+
         *  ||----||
            ~~    ~~
          Cow fantasizing about "Riding the Mechanical Bull"


 

 

What the hell is this about???

this was part of my 18th birthday party... um, this will take a second to explain... to celebrate my becoming legal, i had a rather large party. it caused many people to get quite drunk, utterly (and mysteriously) destroyed a green plastic chair, convinced one person that i have hippos at my place (drunk people are fun), and nearly destroyed the sanity of a certain dj.

it was quite fun.

the invite was sent out inviting people to the "inaugural corrupt-a-cow festival"... free beer for each bovine turned to the dark lord! :) this guide was online for those who wanted some guidance in their quest to do... ooh, weird things to cows. muhahahah. hmm, maybe corrupt cows are responsible for cattle mutilations?

 

 

 

My illustrations were adapted from this Ascii Cow Collection. i renamed a few and rewrote some of the descriptions to make them relate specifically to recent events... eg a ski trip to perisher, and the release of that manically insane hiphop song that mainly went "whoo har, whoo har" (i recall a room full of people watching Rage being transfixed by it one time...).

#!/hhof/pissfarting/cows

$heretic

moo.