heretic's little instruction book

i'm no guru, but i have been around for a while now and i have learned one or two things. most of it takes no great understanding or insight, they're just things i didn't know before and have come across now. i'm putting them here because some of them may help you one day, although many probably won't even come close. some are as much a reminder to myself as anything else. the ideas come from things i've experienced, seen, or know from a source i consider reliable. i believe all of them, at least at time of writing. they're not supposed to be particularly profound. this page is mainly for my own amusement.

about the only thing i honestly claim as my own wisdom is this...

Never take to heart anything said to you by someone wearing a skivvy.

...words to live by, i think.

driving

When driving, always assume that everone else is a fucking idiot. It's a reasonably safe assumption that idiots will drive like arseholes, so watch out for them and be ready to avoid them when they do.
Check your rear-view mirrors carefully when reversing out of a strange garage. There are deadly palm trees lurking everywhere...
If you gaffa tape a hole in a radiator hose, loosen the cap on the coolant reservoir to release some pressure. If you don't the pressure will blow off the tape, no matter how well you wrap it up. This tip would have saved both time and an RACQ callout. You should also avoid parking your car in a hayshed where there are rats to chew holes in your radiator hose.
If a truck's gone pounding past you at 120km/h or so but suddenly braked down to the speed limit, the driver knows something. Wave to the radar trap.
Keep your wheels balanced and aligned, otherwise you'll kill your tyres much faster. If you're really unlucky, they'll wear to nothing on one side of the tyre (or some similar defect will be created) and you'll get a blowout. You could also get fined for driving with illegal tyres.
Always check your car's blind spot before passing or changing lanes - it's not called the "look of life" for nothing. Trust me on this, it's saved my life more than once.
As much as it might seem like a good idea, don't store a bottle of Windex in the boot of your car. The top slowly loosens, and then the liquid lubricates it - making it loosen faster. Soon you have a fragrant but sodden boot, and no Windex.

work

In business, never assume that someone will call back just because you've left a message or they've said they will. In actual fact you should assume they won't. As a courtesy, give them an appropriate amount of time to respond; then call again.
I once met a man who skippered a sailing ship, his name was Captain Ron (no, really). Captain Ron had a rule he liked... the "Seven P's" - Prudent Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.
job interviews are a two-way interaction. both the interviewers and the interviewee should be asking questions and deciding whether the position and applicant are right for each other. both sides should be happy with the result; and that can mean everyone's happy saying no.

i once applied for a job at what looked like a brash young design firm. the money wasn't great but it looked like a great opportunity. during the course of the interview it came to light that their real business was internet gambling and porn (it was interesting to see how they led into that admission). a mutual and - given the situation - relatively amiable agreement was reached that the job and i were not right for each other. it wasn't based on some kind of prudish crap - mostly the fact it would have been a shitty job being paid a pittance while making other people very rich (the firm was owned by a guy known for parading around in his diablo). i wasn't quite desperate enough to take the fast-food job of the web development world. plus, i was pretty pissed off that they'd wasted my time - they were dishonest from the word go. why would i want to work for a firm that was pretending to be something it wasn't? as it happens i got a much better job about two weeks later.
also on job interviews... having been on both sides of the table, here's a little secret: interviewing people is a stressful activity. it's likely your interviewers are also stressed and they may even be as nervous as you. so... try to relax :) always be honest. ask questions, particularly if you're confused by a question which is too long or doesn't allow you to elaborate much. if the interviewers add to questions or prompt you for certain kinds of information while you're answering; they are probably 'throwing you a frickin bone'... be responsive, they're giving you a clue about what the 'right' answer might be.
still on job applications... brutal truth: job applications are just as boring to read as they are to write. so try to break them into easily-digested bits of info (personally i use a bullet list followed by a shortish blurb expanding on those dot points). if you go for a uni/government job; you must address the dreaded Selection Criteria. in fact, no matter where it is... if there is a set way you are expected to apply - follow it. otherwise you won't last the first cull. the people reading the applications are not going to do the work for you - you do the work. make it easy to discover how great you are; don't write an essay with the important points buried in it.

computers

There is no such thing as too many backups for your data. However, there is definitely such a thing as too few backups. CD burners and blank CDs are cheap. Particularly when compared with losing your data. How much was that assignment or report worth to you, anyway? It's due when? Tomorrow?
Remember to defrag your hdd. Seeing the phrase "there are 16 crosslinked files..." is a sign that your day is not going well.
Healthy hard drives do not usually go "clunk" or "bang", and they definitely don't go "crunch...grdrdrdrddrrrr...scraaaaaaaape..." don't laugh. i've heard it happen. back up your data! this is the reason you should opt for two separate physical hard drives. power spikes aside, that means if you lose a hard drive (and you can usually hear them going) you can back up all your data to the other drive.
If you shop and/or bank online, particularly on a broadband connection; you must protect yourself as best you can. Install, regularly update and regularly run a decent antivirus program, firewall and adware/spyware sniffer. Computers do not spontaneously maintain themselves any more than cars do. You will have ongoing costs. Deal with it.

life

and the universe, and everything, if you like :)

closure is a useful thing.
Never say die 'til you're dead. Problems are just obstacles; sometimes it's hard to figure out just how you can get past them, but most of the time there is a way. Immediately giving up certainly doesn't help. Sometimes - very rarely - the only solution is scrap everything and start again. To quote from "Highways to a War" by Christopher Koch:
Never mind, baby - never mind. Everyone says that in Asia: here in Vietnam we say không xau, and from where you just came from, they say t'id-apa, right? 'Never mind; not to worry.' The same in Vietnamese and Malay and in all Asian languages. When nothing can be done, we say không xau, and walk away.
Be aware of your limits, but not intimidated by them or embarrassed about them. If you know them you can work around them, and if you can avoid thinking about them too much you just might extend them a bit.
The cummerbund is the most stupid piece of formal wear devised in the history of mankind... and yes, I am taking into consideration items such as ceremonial dead badger headpieces worn by tripping shamen "wise men". Cummerbunds should never be worn, at any time, for any reason. If you are foolish enough to wear one, it will make you regret your decision by riding up, riding down and falling off periodically. I hate ties, but I reserve a particular form of total and unreserved detestation for cummerbunds (because I wore one once... long ago...). Stick with a good waistcoat.

You have been warned.
I once had a teacher who used to draw on the wisdom of his father, "old Ebeneezer" (the actual existence of "old ebeneezer" as described by said teacher was subject to some conjecture, not that it really matters. Occasionally he'd morph into GRANDfather Ebeneezer.). The biggest lesson this gave us was "You don't wait until the brick hits you, son!" - ie. don't wait until a problem arrives to do something about it. If you want a more modern version it's "Be proactive", but I prefer Ebeneezer's version.
Shitty temporary solutions have a nasty habit of persisting. What you jury rig today, "just to get you through", will probably be the same thing you're using in six months. So do a decent job up front, unless you really are going to replace it with something better; tomorrow.
It's all about priorities. Know your own priorities and make them realistic. Don't sacrifice your top priority for a minor priority. Don't make excuses or let that top priority slide. If it's your top priority, that's all there is to it. It might be tough to stick to this; but you have to stick it out.
If you're willing to complain when someone screws you around; you should also be willing to commend someone who goes the extra mile. It's only fair. I've taken people to the ACCC for fucking me over (I'll call that one a draw); but I've also written glowing letters to people who deserved it.

boozing

You've heard of the "don't mix drinks" rule? Well; don't mix beer, scotch, vodka, Wipeout, Strongbow, a PJ Virginia and a fast ride to a service station. (to the person who gave me the Virginia: that was mean, very very mean...)
There is nothing wrong with Bacardi & tonic.
Repeat after me: Life is too short to drink bad beer.
Through careful research I have concluded that the Christmas Spirit is definitely whiskey.

photography

Darkroom safelights are only "safe" in that they take a very long time to expose photo paper. If you get photo paper close enough to a safelight, it will fog. Also never tell an international award winning photographer that they gave you the wrong safelight. They know what they're doing...
Put film in the damn camera. Damnit.
Don't forget to put the camera down sometimes. You might have recorded the event brilliantly, but if you didn't actually participate and have fun... what where you really recording?
Shoot lots, throw lots out. Especially when you're using a digital camera and especially when you're learning. If you get one good shot in ten, be happy.

journalism

In journalism learn to smell a dead lead; believe me, they have a smell. Leave a message then forget them, drop the lead. Follow this rule and you'll save a LOT of time and phone calls. If a dead lead happens to call back, it's gravy. If you've already filed your story when they return your call, be honest: tell them you've filed the story, thank them for calling back and then ask them if they'd be happy for you to call them in the future.
On a similar note, always keep peoples' phone numbers. Fill up your contact book. You never know when you'll need to call someone again - and if you've kept their number then you don't have to hunt it down all over again. If you've already spoken to them, perhaps they'll even remember it - but don't expect them to. If you think they might remember, say something like "You may recall speaking to me about (whatever)..."

education

Do your degree in order; first level subjects first, harder ones later. I thought saving some "easy" philosophy subjects for my last year would make things easier, but it didn't. You end up going back to topics you've already tackled, probably in less detail. You probably would have found the hard subject easier if you'd done the intro first; and you'll probably read too much into the essay questions on the easy subject. However, i wouldn't say this holds out for electives, you know, your "free" subjects. Hell, I was going to do an english subject in my last semester, but journalism sucks and it ate my electives.
some of the biggest value in going to uni is the people you meet, the minds you encounter. broaden your horizons, open your mind, express yourself, get pissed and have happily heated debates. go to class sometimes. attend some protest rallies, get a little informed. decide if the rallies helped and whether they have anything to do with being informed. borrow every weird cd you can lay your hands on; bands you haven't heard of, spoken word recordings (think: jello biafra style), whatever. read poetry, prose, new stuff, old stuff, textbooks, journals. at least once, argue the toss with someone whose values are directly opposed to yours. [excerpt from my rant: this is higher education?]
tumble to this fact: by the time you graduate, you still won't know anything. forget prac work, group projects, etc; they just teach you how to cope with people. when you go into a job, you'll discover that you have to learn what to do; and everyone will treat you like you know nothing (because, well, you know nothing). so; while you're at uni, learn how to gain knowledge. learn how to find answers and if at all possible, do a broad range of subjects. get your bit of paper that proves you can look up answers; then don't take it personally when you learn what you need to know while you're on the job.

money

Always ask for a better price. Well, ok, within reason. You can get discounts from a surprising number of places just for asking. For example Jeans West will cut the price of a pair of jeans if they're not already on sale, electrical retailers will give you a better deal, jewellery dealers will also cut their marked price (apparently - i haven't tried jewellers personally).
Don't sell anything to Cash Converters. Sure, buy stuff (with care), but don't waste your time selling. Use the Trading Post and ask a substantially higher price than you actually want. If you don't get a response, THEN lower the price. Remember that people will always try to talk you down (refer previous paragraph).
Banks will never, ever do anything that they don't profit by. If you can't see where they're making money out of something, look harder.
There are several values associated with any item (or service): what it cost to make, ie material and labour costs; how much it will cost you to buy it, ie how much it is worth according to the seller; how much it is worth to you, ie what you are prepared to pay for it. These values don't have as much influence over each other as you might think. For example, diamonds cost an arm and leg; but that's only because DeBeers created a tightly-controlled monopoly and increased demand, raising the amount people will shell out for them. It's pointless, really. Zircons look just the same... and if it's not the aesthetics of them that you're going for then you've been had. But that's ok, everyone gets done somewhere along the line.
Insurance is worth it. When you move in to a new house, get a covernote the moment your first valuable item hits the floor. Insurance companies have 24/7 phone services. Use them. In fact, use them at 2am - you're less likely to get stuck in a phone queue :)
When you get Contents insurance, check the policy for details on "collections" - your CDs, books and videos are probably worth more than they'll automatically cover. Get this sorted; shop around and find a company that won't screw you over if all your CDs get stolen by some arsehole with a jemmy bar. Also, as a general rule, take photos of your stuff. It helps prove you had it. Of course, it's a bastard if they ask for a photo of your camera :)
It's worth the money to buy the decent option first off - just about whatever you're buying. You buy a cheap-arse whatever, it'll break; then you wise up and buy a decent one. If you'd just bought the decent one, you'd have saved money and hassle. Of course, if you're buying something you almost never use, you can take the risk. But you have to be ok with the damn thing breaking the moment you really do need it.
Don't accept "floor stock" when buying any kind of precision electronics (like, say, a digital camera). A demonstrator car is ok, although an ex-company car is not; a floor stock fridge is probably ok; basically anything difficult to fuck up is ok (the jury is still out on the car, actually). Anything easy to fuck up... well, nobody else handled it like they owned it. Near as I can tell most of the world treats stuff they own like absolute shit; and stuff they don't own gets even worse treatment. So stay clear. Oh; and extend your warranties when you buy stuff - on the spot, not later.
Treat credit cards like a cash loan from your parents or a good friend - it's a short-term bridge until you catch up with your costs, a friendly bail-out... only you don't actually have to borrow from a person. Alternatively look at credit cards purely as a method of payment, not a source of credit.

other people

If you can afford it, live on your own. It's so much easier.
There is nothing wrong with having a long "earn my trust" period. In fact, there's a lot wrong with the alternative. Trust your instincts; and always be careful with people you haven't known long.
nothing is idiot proof. if you think you've created something idiot-proof, you obviously haven't encountered many idiots.
Don't trust landlords/property owners/real estate agents. Not one inch. Get (and keep) everything in writing.

miscellaneous

What an Australian calls "plenty of mustard" is nowhere near as much as the average American's idea of "plenty of mustard". Keep this in mind if you're being served at Subway by an American. I asked for "a good stripe" and, well, it was dribbling out the bottom as I ate it. I practically had to wring it out.
Freddo Frogs are a universal currency. People will do a lot more than you might think for a small chocolate frog. On a similar note, you'd be truly amazed how many doors you can open if you're giving away free lollies.
Earplugs are a good thing. If anyone gives you shit for wearing them, be it at a nightclub or concert or whatever, then just be happy in the knowledge that you will be able to hear the music for many years to come. Pretend you can't hear them ;) If you've never worn earplugs to a loud event, consider this: they cut out some of the breakup you get from tortured speakers and overdriven amplifiers.

#!/hhof/ph/hlib

$heretic